Here’s a little fact about me: I hate commercials. Seriously. Hate them. So much so that when a show goes to commercial I mute the TV. Most of them are so stupid, you’re likely to lose IQ points just by watching. And yet, amidst the sea of never ending advertising garbage, there are a few interesting gems like Flo’s dysfunctional family on the Progressive commercials. Whose mind did that come from ? Others are actually funny, like the Liberty Mutual couple talking about ruining their perfect driving record. And then, there are the ones that would be completely meaningless, except for the fact that they actually seem to evoke an emotion:
The Commercial That Features Elderly People Singing “Tomorrow” from Annie:
The commercial is about people with heart disease, but for some reason, I couldn’t stand this commercial the first few times I saw it. I couldn’t figure out why I was so affected by this ordinary commercial until I finally realized that I have such an adverse reaction to this commercial because my grandmother and I used to sing “Tomorrow” together when I was really little. I lost her almost nine years ago and it still hurts.
The Toilet Paper Commercial. Any Toilet Paper Commercial:
You know how politicians are always going on about “family values”? Why do they always refer to things like gender differences and family planning? What about toilet paper commercials? First of all, why does toilet paper even need a commercial? Seriously, is there anyone not buying this? And how about that creepy woman who talks about bums and bears suggesting we “enjoy the go”. How is this acceptable television? If the politicos are really worried about “disturbing television content”, why is this crap (pun most definitely intended) still on the air ?
That Optimum commercial where the three idiot movers get into all sorts of hijinks. Specifically, the one where a woman calls to see where her (presumably late) moving truck is, only to have the receptionist put her on hold to check the “truck tracker” but in actuality does absolutely nothing while the poor woman languishes. Who hasn’t had this happen to them? “Oh, let me check on that for you ma’am.” Yeah right. You know that the second she presses ‘hold’, she goes back to texting her autobiography and instagramming her egg salad sandwich. Also, there’s the version where the three movers are driving, and one of them asks how far away from the client’s house they are. “We’re about 10 minutes out. But, like, a good 10 minutes.” The first guy asks what the difference between 10 minutes and a “good 10 minutes” is, and the third guy explains that a “good” 10 minutes is more like 45. He goes on to explain that if a “good” 10 minutes is closer to 45, then a “great” hour is like two weeks. And for all of you wondering why I’m always late, now you know .
The Scene – A Family Having Dinner:
An elderly man telling a story about how he and his wife (also present, she and the man speaking are presumably the parents and grandparents of everyone else present) met. They laugh. They joke. They make fun of each other. The commercial is for Dixie paper plates, but the family is mine. We don’t sit around the table (more like all over the living room). There is no passing large plates of food (we’re more the ‘go get it yourself’ type). But, this is definitely my family. All that’s missing is wine.
Just Because You’re Paranoid Doesn’t Mean They’re Not Out to Get You:
AT&T has a commercial where a woman is on vacation, but she’s worrying about whether she left the side door unlocked, so her father can feed the dog. If she forgot, how will he get in? What if he tries to climb through the window? What if the neighbors see him climbing through the window and call the cops? What if the cops who respond give him a hard time? It’s like this woman is inside my head. Thinking my thoughts, feeling my anxiety form a ball in my stomach and creep throughout my body. Breathing too heavily, then forgetting to breathe at all as her mind races through every possible scenario, her fingers tingling as if she’s having a heart attack. She’s not, she’s having a panic attack. And so am I. Wait? This isn’t real? Someone scripted this? On purpose? Ugh! I seriously hate commercials !