Falling In love

Fallin In Love With Me

He pulled me into his arms and hugged me just the right way. My heart raced as he pulled me close and I breathed in his scent; it was a mixture of his body soap, the masculine scent of his skin, and his detergent what a perfect mixture it was. The butterflies took flight in my belly as my mind raced through our lives together in the future. He kissed me lightly on the cheek and whispered in my ear how glad he was to finally see me.

The reality of this scenario is very rare and if you are lucky to have found “the one”, then hold on to him or her and thank your lucky stars. If you are single with no kids and under the age of 30, you should date the vast amount of fish still left in the sea; have fun, find yourself, lose yourself, find yourself again, all before you try to find love. However, if you are a single mother, your internal clock has probably started ticking. I can’t speak for men, but as a woman, my clock started ticking at 25 when I got pregnant with my first born. All I could think was I needed to make us a family and I need to marry this guy. This “guy” was my long term off and on boyfriend of 13 years. He was an abusive jerk who wanted his cake and to eat it too. In his mind, he was too young to be married with so many responsibilities. He still lived his life without regrets and did what he wanted to do and guess what, we were pregnant again no less than two years later. I gave up everything for my kids, school and fun, and finally I gave him up too. Giving up the person I spent the majority of my life with left me in this dating pool again but this time with two kids. I have an extremely busy life 3 jobs, full time mommy, a daily work out regime, all with very little time for myself when in the world was I going to find time to actually meet the love of my life? My sister talked me into online dating. This type of dating was not my thing; I need instant contact and email isn’t my forte – enter the world of dating apps.

I have been doing the dating app thing for more than two years now, and I am still single! Are there really any good guys out there? Well yeah, there are, but there are some really big jerks too. I have tried dating all types of guys – tall, short, younger, older, city slickers, country bumpkins, guys of different races, religions, ideals, different body types, ugly and cute, yet here I am, still single. I feel beat down and lonely, so I think, “what is it about ME that that keeps me from finding a man?? The only variable in this whole equation that is the same and constant is ME!

However, I believe I am single because I am not ready yet. I have always been Ofelia’s daughter, Ricky’s girl, Cristian and Bella’s mommy, and this or that, but I hadn’t defined who that person was yet. I can still be all of those things, but who was I to me? I had to rediscover myself – April the writer/poet, April the nerd, April the reader/ artist. I need to fall in love with myself. I need to love my flaws and embrace change. I started working out in 2015 as my new year’s resolution and have seen my body change as a result, and I’m digging what I do see. This year I am going to fall in love with me, and I challenge everyone to do the same. Falling for someone else is so easy, but to fall in love with one’s self is a hard task; you have to love every scar inside and out, every stretchmark, and every flaw – the wrinkle at your eye when you smile, the color of your skin or eyes, and the texture of your hair. We should really stop thinking that the media has a healthy image of what a person should look like; we all come from different backgrounds, and we are all different colors and shapes. We are different in every way and need to learn that it is not what is on the outside but what is on the inside that matters. Learn to love yourself and be your own kind of beautiful, that is my resolution – what is yours?

 

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