Depression: The Struggle is Real

Depression The Struggle Is RealHave you ever been so broken that even the happiest moments are clouded by shadows? You don’t feel sad, you don’t cry, and you don’t hurt. You feel absolutely nothing. You are numb; the pain that once was so consuming finally turned your heart and emotions off. I have. Before the numbness set in, it was pure excruciating pain. My heart hurt so bad that the only thing that relieved the pain was rolling into a ball and crying. So I let it out and would sob and sob until I would fall asleep and even that small release would only last until I would wake to feel exactly the same the next day. Day in and day out, the same feelings, a smile that never touches your eyes, and compliments that you do not believe. You are not modest; you just think the absolute worst of yourself. One day when you wake, there’s no pain, no emotions left, and you are completely numb. I would look in the mirror and see the same face, beady eyes, big nose, big forehead, ugly hair, but this time I felt nothing. When I would look in the mirror before it was pure disgust and this time I felt nothing. You don’t care what you see or feel, and it’s as if your mind or heart creates an outer shell so that nothing gets in or out.
Psychologists and scientists have done a lot of research on the stages of depression and how one overcomes the void. They counsel and prescribe medications, and they may even tell you something different than what I have written. This picture is about me – what I felt, how I dug myself out, and my struggle to never feel that way again.
My pain stems from childhood and ends with my destiny to repeat my parents’ mistakes. I would have never thought having a baby would save me from my torment, but he did. My son forced me to feel again; I was only happy when I was with him. How could I put such a huge responsibility on someone so tiny? I had to fix myself, so I started writing again, and it gave me an outlet. Writing made me re-live my horrible past but this time I could tell the story and change how it made me feel. I still struggle every day and when I look in the mirror, I am still quite disgusted. Loving myself is probably the hardest part of getting and feeling better. I started working out to deal with my weight issues; to my surprise, working out relieves many of my stresses. I have also started feeling confident, but every day is a struggle. I am lucky because I have an amazing support system and I even started writing for this amazing magazine which has helped immensely. I pull myself out of bed each day because the number one thing is setting a great example for my kids. I choose to be a great mother and set my kids up with confidence and happiness. Every day will be a struggle, but I choose to make it better.

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