Supposedly, there are life lessons everywhere. At least, that’s everyone’s explanation for the little mishaps that seem to occur with alarming regularity. Everything is a learning experience. insert eye roll here. Ugh. Why can’t real life resemble the game of life; gliding through each phase in your little car, gleefully collecting your fair share. Career, car, house, kids? No problem! Just spin the wheel folks! But, what if you get stuck? Not to worry, the cards have all of the answers. Yeah, right. If the game of life were anything like real life it’d take a lot more than cards to resolve your issues, though, throwing money at your problem would still totally work. And, as for those other colorful little squares:
- Lets Start with that Spinner: Why does this game start with a spinner? A more honest start would be the little peg with a bottle of wine staring at a pile of bills and trying to quell a panic attack.
- And the Versions of the Game Would Make More Sense: New York? Simpsons? 90th anniversary edition? Seriously? How about: Job Search; start by losing that great new job you pinned all of your hopes on and spend the rest of the game trying to find employment that doesn’t make you hate yourself. The Do Over edition; start your life over at 40 after a failed marriage and bad financial investments. Or, how about the Anger Management edition; halfway through the game start screaming and flip over the board. Spend five years in jail and ten in therapy.
- The Game of Life was Originally Called The Checkered Game of Life: If we were honest with ourselves, it would still be called this because, let’s face it, life is checkered.
- Your Financial Plan Means Nothing: Unless you are wealthy, your financial plan will likely consist of trying to balance your mortgage, utilities and car note, and hoping you have money left over for food. And wine.
- Those Life Tiles? They Give you all Sorts of Advantages, like Avoiding Jail when you do something Wrong: These would probably still work, provided you’re rich, white, and conservative. Or if you’re creative enough to convince the jury that outside forces are responsible for your actions. Twinkie defense anyone?
- The Bright, Cheery, Colors, of Both Real Life and the Game, Serve as a Distraction from the stress test that is your daily existence: It doesn’t matter that your boss is a jerk and the electric bill is past due, just ignore those things and try to guess what color the next IPhone will be, cause that’s all that really matters.
- House Rules: This is the one thing that would be exactly the same; everyone makes up their own rules as they go along, it’s one life’s little pleasures so run with it.
- The Family Car: If they wanted this game to resemble reality the options for starting a family would go something like this; you and your boyfriend have a huge fight. The day after he leaves you discover you’re pregnant. Or, you get a divorce, loose $5,000 plus child support. And: you get a promotion and go from working 40 hours a week to 80 hours. You do not have time for a life.
- For Every Action There Is an Equal Reaction: Let me guess? You’re gonna be rich right? Maybe purchase some real estate, flip it. And collect the profits. Easy peasy, right? Get real! What is this, a Monopoly game? This is life, my friend, grip the steering wheel of your little car and pray things come out somewhere in the vicinity of your game plan.
- What do you Want to be when you Grow Up?: A doctor? A lawyer? You chose the college path, right? Well then, you’re all set because it’s a known fact that everyone who goes to college lands their dream job immediately after graduation. And if you believe that, there’s a bridge I’d like to sell ya.
- And the Other Jobs Offered in the Game would be Represented more Accurately: Journalist and Artist are awesome career choices, but you will not make enough money doing either to retire at millionaire estates. In fact, you may not be able to retire at all. Such is life…
Side note: This is not to say that you shouldn’t pursue a career in the arts, plenty of people more than support themselves in these roles, just don’t expect it to be easy!
12. Just like in the Game, you Have a Deliberate Strategy for Succeeding: And so does everyone else. The problems come when their strategy interferes with yours…
13. That Little Pink or Blue Peg is your Entire Identity: And you will find your self worth tied to its accomplishments. Life card: receive a bonus from work, shopping spree!! Life card: tax audit, loose $20,000 and hang your head as you file for bankruptcy.
14. From the very First Spin you will be Striving for that Jackpot: Family, awesome career, incredible home, you can have it all! Just keep spinning, just keep spinning…
15. It Doesn’t Matter whether you Stared the Game by Going to College or Getting a Job: Regardless of where we start, we’re all likely to end up in the same place; driving along, trying to control our fate, believing we’re one spin away from victory…or disaster.