A Message From Older Millennials

Going Hard In The Paint By Dave Meier

They call us Millennials and paint us with their judgement brushes in shades of laziness, entitlement, and apathy. They assume we’re all creating apps and engaging in “free range parenting”. Umm, excuse me, aren’t these the same apps that allow us to function? (Well, when they’re working anyway). And what the hell is free range parenting? If you were born between 1982 (ugh! my year) and 2004 you are considered a Millennial. Me? A narcissistic, over stressed, lacking in faith, champagne taste with beer money Millennial? I don’t think so Tim. Though, I am over stressed. And I do like nice things but lack the income with which to obtain them. However, I am not narcissistic (though, isn’t that what you would expect a narcissist to say?) and I have faith in God and am proud of it! I am also:


  1. Not Spoiled OR Lazy: Okay, maybe a bit spoiled. But I prefer to think of it as being blessed with a family who cares about me and has the money to help me when I need it. The same family who instilled in me a strong work ethic with witticisms like ‘If you don’t have a job, you’re job is finding one.’ (Mom) and ‘It’s not what you want to do, it’s what you have to do.’ (My grandfather). Because of them I have had a job since I was 14, ran a lemonade stand before that, and don’t believe that anyone owes me anything. Lazy? I believe you have me confused with someone else.


  1. Not Confused Between Facebook and Ann Landers: I have no desire to use Facebook as a forum for my personal problems. If you do, stop! You are making the rest of us look bad.


  1. Not a Job Hopper: Except for the fact that I change jobs often. But, that’s not my fault, it’s an occupational hazard of being a writer. If there was a writing job that allowed me to pay my bills and was long term, I’d be all over it!


  1. Fluent in English Only: English is my first language and the only one I speak fluently. Bae, Bro, Netflix and Chill, Murica…ugh! I can’t even!


  1. Not Into Casual Friday…Even On Friday: Apparently, we Millennials use the word ‘chill’ so often, it’s become a mindset. The older generation expects that we’ll show up to work in cut offs and a ball cap. I wouldn’t be caught dead dressed like that! Okay, maybe dead but not to work.


  1. DO NOT Care About the Kardashians in the Slightest: Or anyone else who’s famous for doing absolutely nothing.


  1. Not Afraid of Gluten: Since when did having an ailment become trendy? All of a sudden everyone’s got a gluten sensitivity. They’re all like ‘Um, does this bread contain gluten?’ And ‘Gluten’s the worst! Like for reals.” And I’m just over hear like “Would someone grab me another wheat beer?”


  1. Not Sure When Emojis Took the Place of Actual Text: ?????. What the hell is that supposed to mean? You want to grab sushi with an underdressed pageant winner and Johnny Appleseed then watch Guy’s Grocery Games before stealing an airline seat? I was going to suggest The Cheesecake Factory but okay….


  1. Proud To Be A “Grammar Nazi.”: Otherwise known as expecting adults to have a basic grasp on the English language. I am in no way suggesting that you use words like aberration in casual conversation or know that & is technically different from the spelt out word but they’re, there, their, to, too, two, your & you’re; learn the difference. Now.


  1. Play by my Own Rules: And so should you. Maya Angelu said “Ask for what you want and be prepared to get it.” Eleanor Roosevelt told us that “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” And the King himself (Elvis of course) reminded us that “When things go bad, don’t go with them.” Who am I to argue with such wisdom?


Now, let’s talk about the next generation, (Gen Z?) They’re the ones causing all of the problems.


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