Ever notice that white wine tends to go faster at get togethers than red? It’s because white wine says ‘celebrate’ while red wine says ‘time for antiques roadshow.’ Red wine is for rainy days, cats, and books. White wine is for….literally everything else. Why? I’ll tell you why…
10. White Wine is Light: You can drink a couple of glasses of white wine without feeling like you just had a second helping of Thanksgiving dinner.
9. White Wine SPARKLES!: Anything that sparkles is better than anything that doesn’t. Simple as that.
8. Red Wine is Supposedly Healthier Than White Wine: Excellent. Exactly what I want at a party, medicine. Wonder if they’ll have Pepto-Bismal shooters…
7. Red Wine is Pretentious: “Intense and focused, balanced and persistent”, “Sweet and large-scaled if a bit unrefined…” Listening to some people describe Red Wine is like listening to a cat trying to explain a sky-diving to a dog. “An iron fist in a velvet glove…” Okay, whatever. You know how people talk about white wine? “I need a refill.”
6. Red Wine is a Terrible Fashion Statement: Tips for removing red wine from clothing: Soak up red wine from the stain immediately – Press a napkin or paper towel against the stained fabric to soak up as much of the excess wine as you can. Don’t rub when you’re doing this, as you could work the wine further into the fabric by accident. Don’t let the wine stain dry – It will be much easier to remove the red wine stain if you keep it damp until you’re able to treat the stain properly. Many swear by soaking it with white wine, but you can also try cool water, sparkling water, or soda water to keep the stain moist. Never use hot water, as this can set the stain further. Press salt against the stained, damp fabric – Cover the stain entirely with salt and press the crystals against the damp fabric. The salt will absorb much of the wine and help to lift the stain. Tips for removing white wine: Don’t worry about it.
5. Red Wine is Collectible: And valuable! Red wine can go for thousands of dollars. Per bottle. Very rich people collect red wine by the bottle. By the case. By the vault. Red wine is even auctioned off at Sotheby’s. White wine, on the other hand is, a drink. If I want to enhance a collection, I’ll buy more dolls.
4. The Wine You Drink Signals What Kind of Person You Are: White wine drinkers get asked things like “Do you prefer bungee jumping or sky diving?” Red wine drinkers tend to get questions like: “Are newspaper stands still a thing?”
3. But It’s Not All Fun and Games: If you’re a White Wine drinker people assume you’re wild, reckless, irresponsible, and potentially dangerous while if you are a Red Wine drinker, people assume you’re trustworthy, intelligent, and respectable. That sounds nice. Almost makes you want to consider being a Red Wine drinker. But, how does that saying go: “I’d rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints…”
2. Also, Red Wine is Photogenic: Ever notice that? Pictures, music videos, even home staging; they always use red wine. It’s pretty. But who orders wine for a photo op?
1. But The Number One Reason White Wine is Better?: It makes people happy! White wine can turn an ordinary day into an excellent one, a good night into an awesome one! When someone invites you somewhere and you’re offered a glass of white wine upon arrival, it instantly becomes worth changing out of your snuggie. Yeah, it’s that awesome!